1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
