I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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