so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
