We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
