I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
