I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It's rum buckets o'clock
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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