My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
