so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
no you cant smoke seaweed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
