He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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