Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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