dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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