Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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