at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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