I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
