I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
