The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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