We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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