there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
