True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
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I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
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This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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