Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
