just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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