A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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