if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
