I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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