it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
