What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Pappa wants mamma naked
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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