Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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