Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
