well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
