at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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