I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
