i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
do nipples grow back?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
