I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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