you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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