You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
