There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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