I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
