Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
