I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
