Non-Jews are for practice
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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