Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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