We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
