$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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