The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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