Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
