I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm having to shit out rocks
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
