why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
