Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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