Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
