the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
