You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
