During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
