my phone needs a breathalizer
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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